20 October 2005, Thursday
Haven't had sufficient sleep for the past few days. Everyday I'm exposed to UV rays for at least 12 hours... slogging over journals, books, articles... fighting so hard with Mr. Ficticious. It is either him or me, but either way one will perish - he shall perish in my hands... or I shall perish before the battle ends. And records have been made: its 3am and my msn says 7 OTs are still online, and the status says Busy. A record breaking morning.
I've never felt so exasperated over something. Not until today, when I was cutting down my no. of words of my report. Should this be in? Maybe I should take it out. But I spent so much time and effort doing it! He should read it. But the report is too long. Maybe I should rephrase. No, it doesn't sound right. I think I shoud take it out. But..... *argh! a vicious cycle!* Thought I could finish my report before I went for dance, but as usual, just my hopeful-wishing. *i'm wols* And this continued on until 2am. Again.
Was drowning in referencing too. 3 pages, just for Mr. Ficticious. *haha.. read on* Before you gasp, please remember the saying "Looks can be deceiving". And yes, I sure know how to deceive. *haha...* Upon scrutiny, you'll realise actually, a lot of them are from ONE source *la la la... i told you!*
And in the process of battling with Mr. Ficticious, I was probably a parasite to many others. So I hereby apologise if I have irritated, disturbed or offended anyone. It was all purely non-intentional. And big thanks to those who have helped me with the war (esp. the msn ppl), and big thanks to those who have been so tolerant. *thank you!*
The battle has ended. He didn't perish. But I will.... eventually.
21 October, 2005 Friday
I've never been so excited seeing a pigeon-hole *not a REAL pigeon.. haha* The long, mysterious hole that resides at the 5th level. Peeked curiously into the hole. Looked at my papers for the last time. Here goes... 'slip'....'slip'... And that concluded the fight with Mr. Ficticious *applause.. smiles* Now.. the tedious waiting. Waits.
Results for BSM practical was out. And as usual... one word describes it all. Disappointment. Felt that I could have done better. If only I did not let anxiety get the better of me. If only I studied harder. If only... If only... *it's over. i'm hopeless* I'm not trying to be a high achiever.. much less a perfectionist. But when there are expectations you HAVE to meet, grades you MUST achieve... and with eyes right behind your back... there is NO choice. I really don't know what I have gotten myself into. But I know the path that I walk now says "One Way".
Among the 6... I'm the useless, hopeless and brainless one. Not trying to compare.. it is an obvious fact *unfortunately* I don't wish to be the cream of the crop, nor do I need to be the 'powerhouse'. But I HAVE to. I MUST. Irregardless of my oblivious lack of abilities and brains. Irregardless whether I want to or not. Irregardless of whether I can or cannot. And that is the truth of reality. *sigh...*
Worst of all, another practical exam is coming *which I won't do well again*. I have insight to my capabilities and strength *literally strength..haha*. And the conclusion is... I don't have any *serious... no kidding* Will I fail safety? Yes... 99.9961530483251304051322% I will. Lack the confidence and most importantly.. lack the muscular strength. I know he said before.. "It's not about your strength but about your CUES. If you give good cues, your patient will go wherever you want no matter how much bigger they are." Erm... but I don't have strength to even cue. -_-" *So what do I do now?* Plus the fact I lack brains.. I need a miracle. For sure.
Have been thinking about what I have achieved for this semester so far. And have been thinking about what is left of this semester. These are my conclusions....
1. I am not what you think I am.
2. I am not what I want to be.
3. I can never be what I want to be.
4. I fail *Always*
5. And I shall perish in the hands of Reality *Sooner or Later*
Please take me away... Far far away.... Away from Reality.
And once again, in 2 days, I discovered another 3 more people who reads my blog *gasp!* My world is shrinking.. FAST! *haha...* But big thanks for reading.. and exposing yourselves. *haha* I promise when time is on my side.. I'll blog about other things aside from school.. just for you all. *smiles* And for those 'silent' readers... I still await the day I come to know your true identities *heehee*.
Anyways, I strive to be Ikan Bilis *for those who didn't know* So for those who wish to link me... PLEASE kindly seek my permission first.. k? *thank you for your cooperation!* Oh yes... I don't need publicity too. *haha* so please keep what you know to just YOU. Only you... *LA La la la... *
He said to me today..."Practice this." *ahhhhhh..... wobble... tired*
Also, he said.. "You should be like this. Lock your pelvis..anteriorly tilting it." *ahhhhhhh....pain... tired*
