Reality Check:
1. Heart - Beating and functioning well.
2. Brain - Brain activity noted.
3. Lungs - Functioning well. Patient is breathing without support.
4. Blood pressure - Normal.
5. Body Temperature - Normal.

Technically, patient is alive. But she feels dead.

Many things have had happened in my life since my last entry on 12 March. Many of which I have no wish to put down onto words.. Many of which I don't wish to share.. Many of which I am starting to regret.

Expectations - we all have them. Expectations of ourselves, expectations from others. Living up to all these expectations... is tough. Sometimes you really wonder that deep down inside, is this as much as you can go, and that you have reached that plateau that no matter how much you try, no matter how much effort you put in, results will always be the same. You try to put off the thought, denial as some put it, but reality keeps shouting back at you, telling you that perhaps it is really time to wake up and face the truth. Fairytales don't exist.... 'IF' is a word that should never have existed. And at the end of the day, everyone is unhappy because expectations were not met and it is all your fault.

Life could have been easier. There are so many paths, so many choices, and so many chances at times. Each moment, it is up to ourselves to choose, to decide which is the path we want to walk, which bend of the road that we wish to change our directions, which exit we want to exit, and which junction we wish to stop at. But what if you are no longer in control? That reality has cut you so deep that you bleed to an almost near death stage... and that no one is there to help you.

'I understand' that's what people say. But do they really do? You are not me, how would you know? Sometimes, people use such words blantantly, without much thought nor consideration that you just don't know what the person is thinking. Is that person really concerned, or is he/she just simply answering you because he/she feels obliged to, or is being forced to? How can you understand when you don't perceive what I see, you don't see for yourself what I see, you don't experience how I have been living? Do you really understand?

Many years have passed since I have really trusted someone. Trust is a word that means too much to me; yet its a word that has scarred me deep. Its really nothing to do with others, it's just me. I don't know how to trust another human being anymore.... It seems I have forgotten what trust really is and I no longer believe in such a word. How many times have 'betrayal' appeared before me, versus the frequency of 'trust' being established on my journey. But things have been really out of my reach. No longer am I the captain of the ship, the leader of the band, the pilot of the plane.. the master of my life.

And at times like this, all you need is just to have light at the end of the tunnel; even a tiny spark is more than enough. You put all your stakes onto the trust that you have once again given to someone, and all you can do now is wait. Wait for time to past. Wait for things to happen. Wait for a miracle that will never happen. Wait for the spark to burn into a ball of flames. But is that going to ever happen? I really don't know. I've made my final move, I've made my final choice; I've played all my cards. Will I live or shall I perish... let us all wait a little while more and see.

Life is really tough; but no one ever said it was going to be easy. Sometimes, when things have happened, you stop and think back. Reflect. And you start wondering if what you have done was right - Did I make the right decision? As you put more thought into it, as you reflect more about it, you realise that perhaps the other option could have just saved your life, but you chose the other path and now you are in troubled waters. Is it really hard to keep my mouth shut and be mute, to close my eyes and be blind, to cover my ears and be deaf, and to close my heart to be cold? It isn't that difficult... and perhaps by doing so, life could have been so much better. But I had to talk; I had to see; I had to hear; and I had to listen to my heart. And now it seems that it has been the wrong choice. Why is my life always in such a mess?

But in times of darkness, in times of bleakness... you also learn about the people around you. Perhaps I have not given you a choice, but you have become the shadow at the end of the tunnel. The shadow of a hand that is reaching out to me. Perhaps what I can only accept is the little pinky finger, for there is simply too much holding me back in the tunnel. And deep down I really thank you. From a simple sms, to listening to me all the time, and to reassure me at times when I really doubt myself so much... and to simply just listen to what I have to say, and most importantly, to teach me how to trust once again. Don't get too pressurised, for I'm sure you know am I referring to you as you read this =) Just be the friend you have always been, and that's all I ask of you. As for me, perhaps I am just another person in your life, but just remember that my ears are always opened for you, my shoulder always welcomes you, and I just hope that I can be the friend that does not disappoint you =) Anyway, do believe more in yourself, as I do have faith in you. Sometimes the system doesn't work the way you work, and that puts you at a disadvantage and handicaps you; so try now to work the system to how you work, and strive to show your potential and bright light...okay?

Reality Check:
1. Heart - Beating and functioning well.
2. Brain - Brain activity noted.
3. Lungs - Functioning well. Patient is breathing without support.
4. Blood pressure - Normal.
5. Body Temperature - Normal.

Technically, patient is alive. But she feels dead.

Many things have had happened in my life since my last entry on 12 March. Many of which I have no wish to put down onto words.. Many of which I don't wish to share.. Many of which I am starting to regret.

Expectations - we all have them. Expectations of ourselves, expectations from others. Living up to all these expectations... is tough. Sometimes you really wonder that deep down inside, is this as much as you can go, and that you have reached that plateau that no matter how much you try, no matter how much effort you put in, results will always be the same. You try to put off the thought, denial as some put it, but reality keeps shouting back at you, telling you that perhaps it is really time to wake up and face the truth. Fairytales don't exist.... 'IF' is a word that should never have existed. And at the end of the day, everyone is unhappy because expectations were not met and it is all your fault.

Life could have been easier. There are so many paths, so many choices, and so many chances at times. Each moment, it is up to ourselves to choose, to decide which is the path we want to walk, which bend of the road that we wish to change our directions, which exit we want to exit, and which junction we wish to stop at. But what if you are no longer in control? That reality has cut you so deep that you bleed to an almost near death stage... and that no one is there to help you.

'I understand' that's what people say. But do they really do? You are not me, how would you know? Sometimes, people use such words blantantly, without much thought nor consideration that you just don't know what the person is thinking. Is that person really concerned, or is he/she just simply answering you because he/she feels obliged to, or is being forced to? How can you understand when you don't perceive what I see, you don't see for yourself what I see, you don't experience how I have been living? Do you really understand?

Many years have passed since I have really trusted someone. Trust is a word that means too much to me; yet its a word that has scarred me deep. Its really nothing to do with others, it's just me. I don't know how to trust another human being anymore.... It seems I have forgotten what trust really is and I no longer believe in such a word. How many times have 'betrayal' appeared before me, versus the frequency of 'trust' being established on my journey. But things have been really out of my reach. No longer am I the captain of the ship, the leader of the band, the pilot of the plane.. the master of my life.

And at times like this, all you need is just to have light at the end of the tunnel; even a tiny spark is more than enough. You put all your stakes onto the trust that you have once again given to someone, and all you can do now is wait. Wait for time to past. Wait for things to happen. Wait for a miracle that will never happen. Wait for the spark to burn into a ball of flames. But is that going to ever happen? I really don't know. I've made my final move, I've made my final choice; I've played all my cards. Will I live or shall I perish... let us all wait a little while more and see.

Life is really tough; but no one ever said it was going to be easy. Sometimes, when things have happened, you stop and think back. Reflect. And you start wondering if what you have done was right - Did I make the right decision? As you put more thought into it, as you reflect more about it, you realise that perhaps the other option could have just saved your life, but you chose the other path and now you are in troubled waters. Is it really hard to keep my mouth shut and be mute, to close my eyes and be blind, to cover my ears and be deaf, and to close my heart to be cold? It isn't that difficult... and perhaps by doing so, life could have been so much better. But I had to talk; I had to see; I had to hear; and I had to listen to my heart. And now it seems that it has been the wrong choice. Why is my life always in such a mess?

But in times of darkness, in times of bleakness... you also learn about the people around you. Perhaps I have not given you a choice, but you have become the shadow at the end of the tunnel. The shadow of a hand that is reaching out to me. Perhaps what I can only accept is the little pinky finger, for there is simply too much holding me back in the tunnel. And deep down I really thank you. From a simple sms, to listening to me all the time, and to reassure me at times when I really doubt myself so much... and to simply just listen to what I have to say, and most importantly, to teach me how to trust once again. Don't get too pressurised, for I'm sure you know am I referring to you as you read this =) Just be the friend you have always been, and that's all I ask of you. As for me, perhaps I am just another person in your life, but just remember that my ears are always opened for you, my shoulder always welcomes you, and I just hope that I can be the friend that does not disappoint you =) Anyway, do believe more in yourself, as I do have faith in you. Sometimes the system doesn't work the way you work, and that puts you at a disadvantage and handicaps you; so try now to work the system to how you work, and strive to show your potential and bright light...okay?