It has been really a roller coaster ride these past few weeks, especially these 2-3 weeks. Except that unlike a real roller coaster ride, the ride I am on right now seems to only go in one direction - downwards; though at times it seems like it is just there... not moving... or its just going horizontally.

In such times, you realise the importance of the people around you, and that you realise how much others believe in you, and try their very best to encourage and motivate you. I really do appreciate all that effort... but things are really.... dark. Life is black. Because nothing is darker.

I've tried to be positive; and I think I have tried my best. But yet it seems, the best I've tried is never enough. Something is always wrong; something is always missing; and there is always something I am not doing. I don't know what I should be thinking.... because it seems I'm just... too tired to think.. too empty to feel... too lost to understand.

I'm still in doubt of the path I've chosen, because as the day passes... and as things happen... I find myself being more and more in doubt of myself - The choices I have made, the effort I have put in, the determination, the perserverance.... In the end, none of it made any more sense. Because I am L.O.S.T. Is this path really for me? Or am I in such denial that I am just threading down this path blindy? Am I being true to myself? I really don't know... If only someone could just shed some light and let me understand, perhaps then, life wouldn't be so dark.

All those talks... just seems to make me even worst. As much as I would like to internalise everything, it just makes me feel more and more.... empty by the words. In front of you, I feel that I should have never existed. Yet, I don't know why the words in my mind never comes out. I have tried, but it's tough. Personality issue? I don't know. If someone can enlighten me, perhaps I wouldn't be in such a state. Maybe the bottom line is that I simply lack the self-awareness - that's why I couldn't answer you.

Perhaps, they were words of concern, words of encourgament, and maybe even words of honesty. But how can I trust those words when I do know that things aren't like a piece of glass? It's already enough for me that Life is black. I don't need more walls to let me know that I am in the dark. Maybe I am thinking too much, or maybe its the personality issue again... But really, I can't understand you. How do I then talk to you... even when I really needed to?

I don't know if I am putting too much thought to everything; but it seems like everything is like a 'bed of roses' - all so beautiful yet hidden thorns beneath the beauty. I really don't know what I should be doing now... Have I lived in denial for too long? Or have I become numbed to all that is happening? Or have I simply reached the end already...

And that its really time to let go....

It has been really a roller coaster ride these past few weeks, especially these 2-3 weeks. Except that unlike a real roller coaster ride, the ride I am on right now seems to only go in one direction - downwards; though at times it seems like it is just there... not moving... or its just going horizontally.

In such times, you realise the importance of the people around you, and that you realise how much others believe in you, and try their very best to encourage and motivate you. I really do appreciate all that effort... but things are really.... dark. Life is black. Because nothing is darker.

I've tried to be positive; and I think I have tried my best. But yet it seems, the best I've tried is never enough. Something is always wrong; something is always missing; and there is always something I am not doing. I don't know what I should be thinking.... because it seems I'm just... too tired to think.. too empty to feel... too lost to understand.

I'm still in doubt of the path I've chosen, because as the day passes... and as things happen... I find myself being more and more in doubt of myself - The choices I have made, the effort I have put in, the determination, the perserverance.... In the end, none of it made any more sense. Because I am L.O.S.T. Is this path really for me? Or am I in such denial that I am just threading down this path blindy? Am I being true to myself? I really don't know... If only someone could just shed some light and let me understand, perhaps then, life wouldn't be so dark.

All those talks... just seems to make me even worst. As much as I would like to internalise everything, it just makes me feel more and more.... empty by the words. In front of you, I feel that I should have never existed. Yet, I don't know why the words in my mind never comes out. I have tried, but it's tough. Personality issue? I don't know. If someone can enlighten me, perhaps I wouldn't be in such a state. Maybe the bottom line is that I simply lack the self-awareness - that's why I couldn't answer you.

Perhaps, they were words of concern, words of encourgament, and maybe even words of honesty. But how can I trust those words when I do know that things aren't like a piece of glass? It's already enough for me that Life is black. I don't need more walls to let me know that I am in the dark. Maybe I am thinking too much, or maybe its the personality issue again... But really, I can't understand you. How do I then talk to you... even when I really needed to?

I don't know if I am putting too much thought to everything; but it seems like everything is like a 'bed of roses' - all so beautiful yet hidden thorns beneath the beauty. I really don't know what I should be doing now... Have I lived in denial for too long? Or have I become numbed to all that is happening? Or have I simply reached the end already...

And that its really time to let go....