I am lost for words. I am lost in everything. I am lost in life.

I am hurt. And I am angry.

I feel so unjustified.

I don't wish to hate anyone; hating just takes up too much energy. But at this point of time, I do hate you. In fact, I am very angry and utterly disgusted. That little respect that I had at least for you, is GONE. And you have no right to accuse me of things that I was not aware of.

If you had observed it, why did not you tell me? And you said you had seen it more than once. You did not once tell me, and you told others. Then you decide to say it finally. That is so unfair to me because I did not do it, or at least I am not aware I did it. So in no way by you saying that was fair to me.

You are hurt that I did not mention matters to you, but had to take a different route. Let me tell you, I am hurt even more and most importantly, utterly disgusted. Disgusted at you, and many others, and many other things.

Number 1.
I do not have poor time management. And you are in NO position to say that. I may not be seeing as many people, but that does not equate to poor time management. In my free time, I did follow others for observations, and I did have what-you-called 'hands-on'. But that is not the same as handling one myself. And I had to do all those sh*t and I did not once even complained.

I fulfilled my duty as a student and did what I was expected to do as a student during internship. I had to do those data analysis, which I never once complained. In my free time, to rush it in time, I had to compromise my 'free time' to do it for you. And I saw the same number of people as you; in fact even more, because in my 'free time' I saw others.

Then I did those paper stuff. Did I complain? No. Because you had to rattle on how busy you were, how things were different in the community, blah blah blah... just simply one whole load of crap and excuses which I did not bother because, well, maybe it is. But then, it occurred to me that perhaps it is YOU that has poor time management. Why is it I can do it and you can't? You do not have extra work to juggle after 5.30pm. You do not have a stack of reports and assignments that have crazy deadlines. You do not have extra reading up to do for the next day. You do not have project meetings after 5.30pm. You do not have to make extra trips down to the library so that you can answer a question the next day. You do not have to take exams. So why can't you just do simple things that take like even less than 10 minutes to complete?

I did those paper stuff on time. I did those data analysis on time. I documented dutifully, efficiently and on time. I fulfilled my duty as a student during working hours. I did my school assignments on time. I did extra assignments upon request, which I completed on time. And I did my other reports and projects and handed in on time. I sleep no more than 5 hours each day, yet I am always on time. So in what way is my time management what-you-deem as "incompetent"?

Please. It was stated "mid-". So doesn't that mean "half"? Then why only on the last day was the "half" done? That is not fair to me. And it is not my fault. You were 'busy' because of your time management.

Number 2.
QOC of pt. is compromised. You have really NO right to say that. I was not aware of that, and you did not mention it. So in what way was it my fault that QOC was compromised? If it was really so, then isn't it YOUR fault because you KNEW QOC was compromised but then you did not mention it to me. Isn't that like YOUR fault then? QOC is compromised because of YOU, not me. And don't you say it was not ethical.

And don't say that you had to intervene because I am incompetent and that you cannot compromise QOC. He was technically the first one I saw him, but you rebutted that I saw many others before. NO. He was the first because I know. Who forgets the first patient? I may have saw others, but then I only did things because I was told. I technically have not handled one on my own. So how can you just judge on that one instance that I am incompetent? Have you even bothered to see other sessions?

Oh yar, you got feedback from others. But has it occurred to you that the others have also seen me once? Or that they weren't even around when I was seeing others on my own. Better still, curtains were closed. So how would they know if I am competent or not?

And then you said I spend time reading rather than seeing others, therefore it = poor time management. I have the self-awareness that I do not have the knowledge in some aspects, so i read before I see others because I DO NOT want to compromise QOC. If I do not have the knowledge and still see others, wouldn't that compromise the QOC? Wouldn't that be unfair to the patients? So no way am I compromising QOC.

You said I do not have the basic knowledge. But what I read may not be = to practical, especially if I read things on my own. I asked for demonstration because I do not want to cause any hard and compromise QOC. So then in what way am I compromising QOC?

It was my first time doing it. And I do not have any judgement nor prior encounter with him. I do not know how heavy he is, only that I do know he is tall. So to ensure the safety and care for him, I insisted for assistance. How can you say that is being incompetent on my part? I dare not be gung-ho and insist on doing on my own because I really do not know the exact status of the client. I do know what the status of the Dx but I do not want to risk anything, especially not after that accident. But you said I was incompetent. And compromised QOC. Is that being fair to me?

I am not trying to put the blame here. But you said you are not taking things personally. But let
me tell you, you are. And you are simply just saying things to get back at me. And it is unfair and it is hurtful. I did not say anything because I want to let u at least have some space to step off the stage, but I need to say all these. Becuase it simply isn't fair. And especially being judged by someone like you.

You want to talk about QOC. Count yourself lucky that I did not rebutt you, because I have more than enough of examples that QOC was compromised.

- You don't document but you claim know what you are doing. Are you sure? That one time when I needed to refer to the notes, I found them blank. Now who has compromised QOC?

- You said it was not ethical of me. How many times have you asked me about this and that, because you don't remember. Is that ethical of you to FORGET what you have done because that will compromise your records and hence QOC? So what if you are the only one? What if, one day, someone had to see someone (just like I had to) and realise things are not in order, things are not done... wouldn't that compromise QOC?

- You asked them out because you said you were not sure what you were doing. Is that what you call "ethical"?

- You said in some ways you had to learn from me. Doesn't that just show your incompetence? I am not qualified; you are. I spent only 1 month, with not a single prior knowledge, nor have I even studied anything in school, nor am I qualified; you are qualified and you had 3 months. So, doesn't that mean it is unethical because you are not prepare yet you take them? Aren't you compromising QOC? Is this what you deem as quality? Is this what you deem as ethical.

And I do not wish to bring up that one incident that left me utterly disgusted at all of you. These are only some of the examples. You want more?

Sh*t happens. I do agree. But then, I am trying to wipe up all that sh*t and move on. But it is tough. It is hurtful. It is unjustified. And what's more, there was no proper closure from any of you. Why am I letting myself be bothered over all that has happened? Why am I torturing my eyes because of all this?

Because it has made my life different. It has affected me deeply. It has affected people that I care for. And it has affected people that I respect. And if it wasn't for you, really, I think all would have come to an end. I sincerely thank you. Really... Thank you. I know I am such a disappointment. I am disappointed at myself too. I swore to myself previously that I will not let such things happen again, but I did not keep that promise. And I hate myself for that.

But because of you, I will try to put things behind. It is not easy...no one said it was. But at least I will try. Because of what you have said that set me thinking. I will try.... I promise to myself that I will. But for now... can I just take a break? Just for a little while. I need to be alone. I need the darkness. I need to just forget. I need to just be me and myself. I need to grief... I need to just.... not think for a little while. Then I promise I will start to climb. Whether I succeed, I don't know.

But for now.... can I just have that little while?

I am lost for words. I am lost in everything. I am lost in life.

I am hurt. And I am angry.

I feel so unjustified.

I don't wish to hate anyone; hating just takes up too much energy. But at this point of time, I do hate you. In fact, I am very angry and utterly disgusted. That little respect that I had at least for you, is GONE. And you have no right to accuse me of things that I was not aware of.

If you had observed it, why did not you tell me? And you said you had seen it more than once. You did not once tell me, and you told others. Then you decide to say it finally. That is so unfair to me because I did not do it, or at least I am not aware I did it. So in no way by you saying that was fair to me.

You are hurt that I did not mention matters to you, but had to take a different route. Let me tell you, I am hurt even more and most importantly, utterly disgusted. Disgusted at you, and many others, and many other things.

Number 1.
I do not have poor time management. And you are in NO position to say that. I may not be seeing as many people, but that does not equate to poor time management. In my free time, I did follow others for observations, and I did have what-you-called 'hands-on'. But that is not the same as handling one myself. And I had to do all those sh*t and I did not once even complained.

I fulfilled my duty as a student and did what I was expected to do as a student during internship. I had to do those data analysis, which I never once complained. In my free time, to rush it in time, I had to compromise my 'free time' to do it for you. And I saw the same number of people as you; in fact even more, because in my 'free time' I saw others.

Then I did those paper stuff. Did I complain? No. Because you had to rattle on how busy you were, how things were different in the community, blah blah blah... just simply one whole load of crap and excuses which I did not bother because, well, maybe it is. But then, it occurred to me that perhaps it is YOU that has poor time management. Why is it I can do it and you can't? You do not have extra work to juggle after 5.30pm. You do not have a stack of reports and assignments that have crazy deadlines. You do not have extra reading up to do for the next day. You do not have project meetings after 5.30pm. You do not have to make extra trips down to the library so that you can answer a question the next day. You do not have to take exams. So why can't you just do simple things that take like even less than 10 minutes to complete?

I did those paper stuff on time. I did those data analysis on time. I documented dutifully, efficiently and on time. I fulfilled my duty as a student during working hours. I did my school assignments on time. I did extra assignments upon request, which I completed on time. And I did my other reports and projects and handed in on time. I sleep no more than 5 hours each day, yet I am always on time. So in what way is my time management what-you-deem as "incompetent"?

Please. It was stated "mid-". So doesn't that mean "half"? Then why only on the last day was the "half" done? That is not fair to me. And it is not my fault. You were 'busy' because of your time management.

Number 2.
QOC of pt. is compromised. You have really NO right to say that. I was not aware of that, and you did not mention it. So in what way was it my fault that QOC was compromised? If it was really so, then isn't it YOUR fault because you KNEW QOC was compromised but then you did not mention it to me. Isn't that like YOUR fault then? QOC is compromised because of YOU, not me. And don't you say it was not ethical.

And don't say that you had to intervene because I am incompetent and that you cannot compromise QOC. He was technically the first one I saw him, but you rebutted that I saw many others before. NO. He was the first because I know. Who forgets the first patient? I may have saw others, but then I only did things because I was told. I technically have not handled one on my own. So how can you just judge on that one instance that I am incompetent? Have you even bothered to see other sessions?

Oh yar, you got feedback from others. But has it occurred to you that the others have also seen me once? Or that they weren't even around when I was seeing others on my own. Better still, curtains were closed. So how would they know if I am competent or not?

And then you said I spend time reading rather than seeing others, therefore it = poor time management. I have the self-awareness that I do not have the knowledge in some aspects, so i read before I see others because I DO NOT want to compromise QOC. If I do not have the knowledge and still see others, wouldn't that compromise the QOC? Wouldn't that be unfair to the patients? So no way am I compromising QOC.

You said I do not have the basic knowledge. But what I read may not be = to practical, especially if I read things on my own. I asked for demonstration because I do not want to cause any hard and compromise QOC. So then in what way am I compromising QOC?

It was my first time doing it. And I do not have any judgement nor prior encounter with him. I do not know how heavy he is, only that I do know he is tall. So to ensure the safety and care for him, I insisted for assistance. How can you say that is being incompetent on my part? I dare not be gung-ho and insist on doing on my own because I really do not know the exact status of the client. I do know what the status of the Dx but I do not want to risk anything, especially not after that accident. But you said I was incompetent. And compromised QOC. Is that being fair to me?

I am not trying to put the blame here. But you said you are not taking things personally. But let
me tell you, you are. And you are simply just saying things to get back at me. And it is unfair and it is hurtful. I did not say anything because I want to let u at least have some space to step off the stage, but I need to say all these. Becuase it simply isn't fair. And especially being judged by someone like you.

You want to talk about QOC. Count yourself lucky that I did not rebutt you, because I have more than enough of examples that QOC was compromised.

- You don't document but you claim know what you are doing. Are you sure? That one time when I needed to refer to the notes, I found them blank. Now who has compromised QOC?

- You said it was not ethical of me. How many times have you asked me about this and that, because you don't remember. Is that ethical of you to FORGET what you have done because that will compromise your records and hence QOC? So what if you are the only one? What if, one day, someone had to see someone (just like I had to) and realise things are not in order, things are not done... wouldn't that compromise QOC?

- You asked them out because you said you were not sure what you were doing. Is that what you call "ethical"?

- You said in some ways you had to learn from me. Doesn't that just show your incompetence? I am not qualified; you are. I spent only 1 month, with not a single prior knowledge, nor have I even studied anything in school, nor am I qualified; you are qualified and you had 3 months. So, doesn't that mean it is unethical because you are not prepare yet you take them? Aren't you compromising QOC? Is this what you deem as quality? Is this what you deem as ethical.

And I do not wish to bring up that one incident that left me utterly disgusted at all of you. These are only some of the examples. You want more?

Sh*t happens. I do agree. But then, I am trying to wipe up all that sh*t and move on. But it is tough. It is hurtful. It is unjustified. And what's more, there was no proper closure from any of you. Why am I letting myself be bothered over all that has happened? Why am I torturing my eyes because of all this?

Because it has made my life different. It has affected me deeply. It has affected people that I care for. And it has affected people that I respect. And if it wasn't for you, really, I think all would have come to an end. I sincerely thank you. Really... Thank you. I know I am such a disappointment. I am disappointed at myself too. I swore to myself previously that I will not let such things happen again, but I did not keep that promise. And I hate myself for that.

But because of you, I will try to put things behind. It is not easy...no one said it was. But at least I will try. Because of what you have said that set me thinking. I will try.... I promise to myself that I will. But for now... can I just take a break? Just for a little while. I need to be alone. I need the darkness. I need to just forget. I need to just be me and myself. I need to grief... I need to just.... not think for a little while. Then I promise I will start to climb. Whether I succeed, I don't know.

But for now.... can I just have that little while?