Life Documentation
21 June 2006, Wednesday (Day 13)
This week has been quite a ride, even though only three days has passed. CRD came and went... although it was alright *in my lowly opinion*, there is a lot of room of improvement to be made before the presentation in school. But for now, I'm going to take a break from that....
Realise that I've been the most 'fortunate' one it seems. Never once did I ever have a proper supervisor during my internship. Hmm... used to think that others also had such experience, but hey! Realise such things seems to be 'exclusively' reserved for me. Sigh`. Don't know if this is a good or bad thing. It seems like I've gotten so used to be under so many people that it doesn't really matter much to me... for when he asked if I would prefer one throughout, I said 'it's ok; it doesn't matter'.
But now, don't know if I'm starting to regret what I've said. On one hand, would like to experience what it is like to be under someone throughout the whole placement; on the other hand, its good to learn from more people. So it seems I try to look positively at that time.
So, this week has been pretty much of an 'adjustment' week. It hasn't been smooth and easy; but neither has it been torturous and gruesome. Things has been ups-and-downs for me these past three days. Quite a abit of adjustment on my part... And suddenly feeling like a Year 1 student; felt that I have deproved so much from what I've gained in 2 weeks.
Was really upset about it, that after working so hard, after the mid-evals, after setting goals to strive harder, I'm back to square one. Perhaps, square MINUS one. Worst than ever before. Worst than incompetent, worst than the already useless me. Sigh. Very disheartening and discouraging.... that I was almost on the verge of a breakdown. But keep telling myself not to let these 'stupid' things bring me down.
I am here to learn. I am here to make mistakes. I am here to experience. I keep CBTing myself. Managed to keep myself composed, but then mood has been in the low levels still. Sigh`. Trying to give myself more time, trying to open my mind even more. Trying really really really hard to be positive. And all I can do now is continue to try, and hope that things do make a turn. I really hope....
Anyway, these past 3 weeks has set me thinking and reflecting more than usual.... A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind; apart from the knowledge regarding the field of practice etc., have been reflecting a lot about myself and life. Sigh`. Keep feeling that I've come to this stand-still... this... "glass ceiling" which I can seem to surpass. Want to keep on moving, moving up of course, but then, no matter how hard I try, no matter 'the best' I put in, I'm still there. Stagnant. Stuck... and others are flying past me. It's starting to get tougher to find a glimpse of light in this darkness, which seems to only get darker.
Black. Because nothing is darker.
It's a long long journey; And I don't know if I can belive...
When shadows fall and block my eyes, I am lost and know that I must hide...
- - -
[Came across this email from someone]
A group of students were asked to list what they though were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
Egypt's Great Pyramids
Taj Mahal
Grand Canyon
Panama Canal
Empire State Building
St. Peter's Basilica
China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one girl had not finised her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesttated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:
1. To See
2. To Hear
3. To Touch
4. To Taste
5. To Feel
6. To Laugh
7. To Love
The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we tkae for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder - that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
... After reading this email, it really made me think. Think about how I used to take these things for granted. Being in OT certainly has changed me, for I now learn to treasure a lot of things that I used to take for granted. Yes, we all know that health is wealth; that health is always the most important apart from life. But then, how often we healthy people take our bodies for granted?
I now learn that to be able to wake to a new day is something I use to take for granted. To remember who I am each day is a blessing. To be able to move my hands is a blessing. To be able to walk is a blessing. To be able to hold my spoon to eat is a blessing. To be able to sit upright is a blessing. To be able to feel pain is a blessing. To be able to go the toilet on my own is a blessing... So many many little things that I used to overlook, I now learn to treasure it all. I now learn that I should not take things for granted, even the smallest thing possible.
- - -
One more thing that I've been thinking about its illness and old age. I know I shouldn't have such thoughts, but then, it has really made me think a lot about it when I look around me during the day.
As much as I try to stay positive to my clients, as much as I try to instill hope in them... Deep down, I now realise that if such a thing every happens to me, I'd rather not live. I know its 'wrong' to think that way, but then, after seeing how much people go through, it can really be disheartening. Plus the fact that one does not live alone - dynamics of relationship will always be involved. How about your family? Friends?
And growing old certainly seems scary... and that illness seems to strike anyone of any age. Image being in a ward with all older adults, and amongst them you spot a young person in the twenties. It can be scary.... no human is immuned from illness. Worst of all... no human is ever immuned to ageing. So will I be like that 20-30 years down the road? Will I continue to live on healthily? Sigh. The future seems bleak and scary....
1. To See
2. To Hear
3. To Touch
7. To Love
